Spring With the Cullens
by Holly-Batali
Summary: The Cullens are your typical American Vampire family. They're just an ordinary family with lots of issues. With a few twists. Hippie Carlisle, Civil War Anniversaries, hormone-injected cows, sneaking blood behind the house, momness; the list goes on.
1. Shoot the Piano Player

Spring With the Cullens  
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the awesome Jasper. I wish I did, but there's life for you. Character Credit goes to Stephenie Meyer. Though, I've actually done something she has not: given Jasper a better sense of humor.

Author's Note: This is a story from Bella's point of view. It's all about how good the Cullens are about putting up with Esme's crazy "Mom Schemes." First story of four; set right after Twilight.

Chapter One: Shoot the Piano Player

"Bella, are you sure you're comfortable? Do you want another pillow? I could get you some tea or something--"

"Edward!" I said, exasperated, "I'm fine. For the millionth time," I added in an undertone.

"Well, all right...I mean, if you're _sure_..."

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Positive?"

"Yes! I'm positive!"

"You're _certain--_"

"_Edward_!"

"Okay! I'm just making sure." I restrained myself from rolling my eyes, though with great difficulty. Ever since I had broken my leg, Edward had been all over the whole rest-and-relaxation-helper thing. It was flattering at first; now it was just plain annoying.

"Maybe you can play the piano for me," I suggested gently, trying to inconspicuously steer him away from butler mode.

His eyes brightened. "Okay!" He picked me up and brought me over to the couch by the piano, setting me down gently. "Are you comfortable?"

I sighed. "Yes. I'm comfortable." _10...9...8...7..._

"Are you sure?"

_1...2...3...4...5...6..._

"Yes."

"Positive?"

Okay. The counting to ten thing was _not _working. _Uno...dos...tres...quatro...cinco..._

"Edward; just play the stupid piano."

"Okay." He smiled and sat down. "This is a really good one," he said. "It's French; traditionally it's played with guitar and vocals, though. It's called_ La Derniere Bergere."_

I smiled in what I hoped was a patient manner, and waited as he settled into his piece. As usual, it was amazing. After a lot of Ludovico Einaudi, Debussy, and a few of his own compositions, I started to get really sleepy. It must have been the weather or something. You know, spring in Forks isn't all that bad; sure it's pretty chilly, but it's actually really pretty...

I heard a stomping of feet--very loud feet--coming down the staircase as Emmett and Jasper walked down, both wordlessly singing _Shoot the Piano Player: Charlie_ at the top of their lungs. It was kind of annoying, but then again, they _were _Emmett and Jasper.

"Hey Edward," said Emmett, way too innocently. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Nothing," replied Edward, plowing on with Esme's Song. Emmett and Jasper exchanged a glance. Jasper started whistling that song again, raising his eyes to the ceiling.

Edward stopped playing.

"Jasper," he said carefully, "what are you thinking?"

"Nothin'." said Jasper, again, way too innocently.

Edwards eyes widened, and he jumped up. "You wouldn't!" He yelled at Emmett, who grinned at Jasper. The two of them looked like evil cheshire cats. "I'll tell Esme!" threatened Edward in a repressed younger brother voice.

"Shoot the piano player," sang Edward's two older brothers, and then they leapt at him.

Edward yelped and they all went tumbling to the floor in a flailing mass of limbs.

Esme heard the commotion and came downstairs just moments later. "Boys!" she yelled. They all disentangled and stood up; Jasper and Emmett snickering (I take it they won) and Edward sulking. "Boys, what are you doing? You aren't supposed to fight in the house; if you have to fight, do it on the lawn; or better yet, the mountains."

"They started it," Edward whined, pointing at Emmett and Jasper.

"I don't care _who _started it," Esme continued firmly, "I'm going to finish it. Jasper, you should know better than that. Edward, you're setting a terrible example, not to mention the impression you all made on poor Bella. I want you to apologize, now."

"Sorry Bella," they all chorused obediently. Edward looked ashamed, but Emmett couldn't care less. Jasper was still snickering.

"Now shake hands and apologize, all of you." She cut off the immediate protests from all three boys with a stern glance. They sullenly shook hands, and turned their backs to each other. As Emmett and Jasper walked away, I could hear them whistling it again; _Shoot the Piano Player..._

Edward glared at them, mumbling something under his breath. I shook my head as I picked out phrases like 'pick on the talented one' and 'not my fault you have no taste in music.' Jeez, I never realized what a _whiner _Edward is! He's like a little kid! Jeez, they're _all _acting like a bunch of five-year-olds.


	2. Easter Dresses

Spring With the Cullens  
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the awesome Jasper. I wish I did, but there's life for you. Character Credit goes to Stephenie Meyer. Though, I've actually done something she has not: given Jasper a better sense of humor.

Author's Note: This is a story from Bella's point of view. It's all about how good the Cullens are about putting up with Esme's crazy "Mom Schemes." First story of four; set right after Twilight (BEFORE the epilogue)

Chapter Two: Easter Dresses

When I woke up, the only thing that entered my mind was _I have a biology test today... _Of course, I did NOT think 'today is Easter' or even 'I wonder if I should do anything about it.' Of course, what I SHOULD have been thinking was 'what is _Esme _doing about it?' Because Esme--I have learned--always has something up her sleeve for holidays.

* * *

After school, Edward drove me to his house. As I got out of the car (that stupid shiny Volvo), I was Emmett and Rose working on Emmett's Jeep. "Come on, Emmett," Rose was saying, "put your back into it!"

Emmett mumbled something very profound, which earned him a smack on the head.

We went inside and saw Alice being measured by Esme. "Hey Bella, hey Edward," she called cheerfully. Jasper came down the stairs holding a well-worn and much-loved copy of Michael Shaara's _The Killer Angels, _whistling Dixie--literally. Jasper was still _very much _a confederate soldier. If you don't believe me, maybe you should see the door to his room, the stickers on his binder, his favorite tie, et cetera, et cetera. In short: it was _all _confederate flags.

Jasper saluted us casually, "Afternoon," he said.

"Hey Alice," I said, "hey Jasper. What are you doing Esme?"

"Measuring for Alice's Easter dress," she replied happily.

"Um...shouldn't you make an Easter dress, you know--_before _Easter?"

Esme smiled. "I never have, and they've always turned out rather well. Don't you think so, Alice?"

Alice just smiled happily.

Esme seemed to remember something suddenly. "Oh, Bella dear, come over here would You?"

"Sure," I said, a little surprised. Edward tried to carry me over but I waved him away. "I've got it, Edward, okay?"

"Okay," he said, looking a little hurt. I just rolled my eyes. I moved over to Esme and asked, "what is it, Esme?"

She smiled triumphantly. "I'm going to make you an Easter dress."

I recoiled in horror. "No," I gasped. "Anything but that, I beg you!"

She wouldn't listen to me, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. She measured with lightning-quick hands and adjustments. Then she ran out of the room to her "lair" (the sewing room).

As I sat in shock on the couch with Alice, Rosalie and Emmett came in. They stopped their conversation (something about motor oil brands) and came over to me, concerned looks on their faces. Well, not really. Rosalie just looked curious and a little disdainful

"What's with Bella?" Rosalie asked Alice curiously.

"Esme's making her an Easter dress." Alice and Rosalie exchanged a knowing glance.

"Don't worry Bella," Rosalie said to me. Yes, she was actually speaking to me! "You'll get used to it."

I moaned at that. "Get used to it!" I practically shrieked. "You don't have any idea how bad my memories of Easter dresses are! _You _try putting up with that kind of thing from Renee!"

I ignored Emmett, you was guffawing at me like the moron that he was, and Edward, who was trying to placate me.

"Relax Bella," said Jasper, who was draped across one of the couches, his nose buried in _The Killer Angels. _"It's just one day, for crying out loud!"

"Yeah Bella," agreed a taunting Emmett. "How bad can it be?"

Esme chose that moment to return to the living room. "I need Alice, Bella, and Rosalie; pronto!" she said, motioning towards The Lair. I whimpered, but Alice scooped me up and ran to Esme, ignoring Edward's protests. She and Rosalie were actually _excited _about this kind of thing! It was inconceivable! Esme ushered us all downstairs, where she opened the door to her vast sewing room. I gasped in horror at the mountains of neatly shelved fabrics and trimmings. It was worse than anything Alfred Hitchcock could pull off, and I've _seen Psycho, _okay?

"Alice first," said Esme. Alice clapped her hands and hopped forward. Esme whisked her off to another door, where she shoved her inside. Before she closed the door, I caught a sight of a changing cubicle with pick frilly curtains and a vanity on the other side of the room. I shuddered.

I sat down in Esme's "waiting area" in one of the comfy leather chairs. Rosalie sat on the one farthest from me. I really didn't care; I was more worried about myself at the moment.

Alice came out a moment later, squealing like a little girl. I gasped in horror at what I saw. Alice was dressed in a horrible gold frilly..._thing! _She had a flowered hair wreath and a white flower necklace. She even had a white silk-lined Easter basket and white gloves.

I thought I would throw up. I really did.

"Rosalie, you're next," Alice squealed. Rosalie ran to Esme, all excited and crap. I felt sick.

Rosalie came out in a silver tiara, white gloves, a matching necklace, and a horrible blue dress with sequins and a gathered skirt. Maybe if I made a break for it... No, I'd never make it. Rosalie was smirking at me now, and she grabbed my arm and dragged me back into that horrible room. I didn't go quietly, trust me. I kicked and screamed for all I was worth. Finally, they got me into that room and in that horrible pink frilly chair by the vanity.

Now I _really _felt sick.

I seriously wanted to die right then. I really did. I would go through that day when I almost got hit by Tyler's van all over again to avoid this. I would rather get _hit _by Tyler's van than go through this. Unfortunately, I really didn't have any choice in the matter.

After five minutes--a long time for Esme--she finally had me forced into my worst nightmare. Literally. I found myself in an awful bright fuchsia dress with a neck scarf and a big flower on the skirt. I had a glass flower headband and a necklace like Alice's and Rosalie's, along with one of those hideous baskets. I whimpered. It was awful. Easter was now _officially _my least favorite holiday _ever._

I felt like crying as they pulled me back up the stairs. Emmett laughed at the look on my face, and Jasper didn't even look up from his book, his feet propped up on the armrest of the couch. Edward looked indignant and mad. I was glad _someone _was on my side.

"Well Emmett," said Rosalie, spinning, "what do you think?"

"Gorgeous, of course," he said. We all rolled our eyes. Except Rosalie; she was on a roll.

"Jasper? What about you? How do I look?" Rosalie waited for his reply.

He didn't even look up. "Like a beautiful blond pineapple," he said in a fake New York accent. Then he dropped the accent to say, "now go away." Rosalie scowled at him.

"Edward, _you _think I look great, don't you." It wasn't even a question.

He was a little whiny about it though. "But--but--but..._Bella _should be wearing blue. It's her best color! You look great though, Rose, really," he added quickly as she glared.

"How come _you _guys don't have to do this kind of thing?" I demanded. "_You _guys don't have to dress up."

Boy, that really took the smiles off their faces. Jasper went pale behind his book; Edward looked nervous and bit his lip; Emmett looked from side to side.

"Don't say anything to Esme," he threatened me. "She might have forgotten this year. If you remind her, I swear I'll--"

I never found out exactly what he was going to do though, because Esme came up and said cooly, "Why Emmett, thank you for reminding me. Boys, downstairs, now." They looked like they were going to make a run for it, but Esme beckoned imperiously and they resigned. With a few mumbles of "yes Mother" they trudged downstairs.

"What's she going to do to them," I asked a giggling Alice.

"You'll see," she laughed evilly.

Oh, I saw all right. And I was grateful for my hideous dress.

Bunny suits.

They were wearing--bunny suits.

Emmett's was white and fluffy to the extreme. He couldn't even put his arms down! And Jasper--poor Jasper--was in a suit that was a pattern of an American flag. He looked livid. And then poor Edward was in a furry pink bunny suit. He looked ready to die.

I guess I'm not the only one who hates Easter.


	3. Happy Secession Day

By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Twilight or awesome Jasper. I wish I did, but there's life for you. Character Credit goes to Stephenie Meyer. Though, I've actually done something she has not: given Jasper a better sense of humor.

Author's Note: This is a story from Bella's point of view. It's all about how good the Cullens are about putting up with Esme's crazy "Mom Schemes;" various crazy Cullen Stunts. First story of four; set right after Twilight.

Chapter Three: Happy Secession Day!

_April 12, 0420 hours, Cullens' Front Yard, By the Porch_

_Sitting with Edward on the grass by the front steps. Esme and Carlisle talking nervously on the steps, glancing around. Alice silently cracking up, sitting on the steps, practically rocking back and forth. Still don't know why. Rosalie placing bets with Emmett; don't know what about. Jasper: ?? Where is Jasper anyways..._

I put down my pen and looked up at the dark sky. Jasper had suggested stargazing for tonight. For some reason, everyone seemed really on-edge. I don't know why, but Edward kept biting his lip and glancing around nervously. I had asked why this was, but he just clamped a hand over my mouth and said, "don't--mention it. _Especially around,_" he glanced from side to side. "J-A-S-P-E-R. Got it?" I nodded slowly, my eyebrows raised.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore; it was driving me up the wall.

"What is going on?" I hissed at him. "Why is everyone so nervous? And where's Jasper? I mean, J-A-S-P-E-R," I corrected myself sarcastically. He jumped and looked around again.

"Well...I guess I sort of have to tell you. You'll find out anyway, in..." he glanced at his watch; 4:26 AM. "In four minutes." He took a deep breath and then let it out.

"Every year, on April 12, at 4:30 AM, Jasper does something...drastic. He's been doing it every year since 1961, what he called the '100th Anniversary of the Best Day in History.'" _April 12? What was so special about April 12? _I wracked my brain for any information about April 12; let's see...hundredth anniversary? Anniversary of what? That would be 1861; when Jasper was, um...alive.

Whoa.

"Wait a second," I said suspiciously. "That's the day--" he shushed me urgently. "That's the day," I continued in a hushed voice, "when the Civil War started, isn't it? When the south attacked Fort...something-or-other?"

"Fort Sumter," Emmett said matter-of-factly, sitting down next to us, followed by Rosalie and Alice. He had a huge grin on his face, just like Alice. Rosalie just looked annoyed. "Right on the money." He turned to Edward, "she's not too stupid, you know, for a human."

"Gee, thanks," I said, monotone.

Esme and Carlisle came and stood next to us, Esme looking anxious, and Carlisle looked tired and wary. "I hope he doesn't set off fireworks again this year," Esme said. "That just about killed our cover last year. Remember that Carlisle?" He nodded gravely.

_Fireworks? In _April?

"Boys will be boys," said Carlisle in a resigned tone. "And in this case, a Confederate boy."

"Wha-" I started to ask, but Alice interrupted, shrieking in glee.

"3! 2! 1!"

_BANG!!_

I screamed and covered my ears as the peace exploded around us. Literally. We all looked around to the side of the house, where Jasper was standing.

He whooped excitedly, standing, in a grey Confederate Major uniform, next to... a cannon?!

"THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN, BLESS HER!" He screamed loudly, a huge grin on his face. He punched the air and waved a large confederate flag. "LONG LIVE THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA!" Then he started singing Dixie, at the top of his lungs. "I WISH I WAS IN THE LAND OF COTTON, OLD TIMES THERE ARE NOT FORGOTTEN; LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! DIXIE LAND!"

Carlisle slapped his forehead and said, "Edward, Emmett, help me hide the cannon. Rosalie, Alice, get Jasper into the woods or something; he's not giving up any time soon. Alice, get Bella back home s Charlie won't know. I have a feeling he's going to be on call in about--" he looked at Alice, who held up two fingers, "two minutes. He'll probably cheeeeeck--" another glance at Alice, who nodded, "on Bella when he wakes up." He jogged over to the still-waving-and-singing Jasper, muttering, "I hate April 12. Worst day in history."

I can see we have some mixed emotions here...hey Dr. Phil, come on in!

"Bella?" I had just enough time to dive under the covers, muss my hair, rub my eyes, and curl up before Charlie opened my door gently. I pulled up the covers to hide that I was fully dressed, most definitely not in my pajamas.

"Yeah Dad?" Oh, burn Edward! I am _so _a good actress.

"Honey, I've got to run down to the station; somebody set off fireworks or something again and people are worried." He looked at me suspiciously. "People are saying it was at the Cullens' place? Do you know anything about it?"

"No Dad, I don't," I said innocently. I hope.

"Well, okay then. See you in a few hours hon."

"Bye Dad, hope everything's okay." _Like nobody setting off cannons or anything dangerous like that..._

I went to bed--really--for the next three hours or so. When I woke up, I was exhausted, and convinced that I needed to know about the 1860's if I was going to hang around Jasper _at all _anymore.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and my hair. I was a little surprised to hear myself muttering, "look away; look away; look away; Dixie Land..."

Authors Note: HAPPY CIVIL WAR ANNIVERSARY!


	4. Wrath of the Witch Mom

Spring With the Cullens  
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the awesome Jasper. I wish I did, but there's life for you. Character Credit goes to Stephenie Meyer. Though, I've actually done something she has not: given Jasper a better sense of humor.

Author's Note: This is a story from Bella's point of view. It's all about how good the Cullens are about putting up with Esme's crazy "Mom Schemes." First story of four; set right after Twilight.

Chapter Four: Wrath of the Witch-Mom

Back in Phoenix, we didn't have anything in our yard except some dead and dying grass, a few cacti, and the occasional rabbit. I really didn't mind one way or another, because I hated to garden anyways. Not having to tend a garden in Forks is also nice. Esme _really _liked to garden; which is fine with me, so long as she didn't suck _me _into it.

Which, of course, she did.

No sooner had I stepped out of that stupid Volvo then Esme rushed over to us in her gardening attire, dragging poor Jasper behind her. Jasper's arms were full of bulbs, seeds, shovels--the whole enchilada. He was staggering under the weight of balancing a wheelbarrow as well.

"What?" I asked numbly. I, of course, had still not recovered from the Easter Incident.

"It's time for you kids to take some responsibility--not you, Bella honey," she said cheerfully, straightening her lopsided floppy hat. "We're starting a garden, and you kids," (meaningful glare at Edward, who fidgeted uncomfortably), "need to have some chores around here. So a garden it is! We'll be planting an herb garden as well!" She looked like someone had just said it was her birthday. I probably looked as if someone just killed my puppy (killed it and sucked it dry, with my luck). Because I _knew _that I would get somehow pulled into this.

So, as Esme passed out arm-loads of gardening equipment to each of the Cullen "kids", it seemed inevitable that I ended up pushing the wheelbarrow full of bulbs and seeds and baby trees and stuff.

I _knew _I'd get sucked into this somehow.

* * *

All I had to do, turns out, was a few simple things. I helped Jasper unload the wheelbarrow while he chatted about the Battle of Manassas ("It was no wonder that we," Confederates, if you haven't got with the program, "won. We were the very best, and we also had Stonewall Jackson and the ever-amazing General Robert E. Lee."). I chatted with Edward about flowers ("they're so pretty," he had said, "they're so friendly and open. I've always liked them, even when I was human. I remember one time; it was the spring of 1915, when I was just fifteen..." Boy, that guy can _talk); _I joked with Emmett about hunting season, which I had never experienced ("Oh yeah," he had said, full of himself, leaning against his dirty shovel, "I was the best shot in all of Tennessee I'll bet. I could shoot from _two-hundred _feet away and still hit a bear right through the gut, every time." I highly doubted this, by the way); I disputed the current fashions with Alice, even though I had no idea what I was talking about ("Capri's," okay, what are Capri's? "are _so _yesterday; same with flip-flops. Ugh! Now, what _you _want is a nice..." some Italian designer, a French one, blah blah blah); I talked mechanics with Rosalie. I'm not even going to _try _to quote _that _conversation.

After a while I sat on the grass and leaned back on my hands, watching Emmett dig up huge dirt piles, Jasper fixing the wheelbarrow (which Emmett broke), Edward joyfully and carefully planting petunia after stupid pink petunia, Alice predicting what would be the best places to plant the saplings--and, of course, Rosalie griping about her nails.

"When you're a vampire, your nails don't grow back!" She seethed angrily, just standing around while everyone else worked. "If I break a nail doing this, there is going to be _hell _to pay!"

Jasper rolled his eyes. Probably the only guy there brave enough to defy their tyrannical sister. "Shut up, Rose. They're hard as stone, they're not gonna brake. Get _over _yourself, will you?"

We all stared at him if open-mouthed shock. I heard Emmett mutter, "ooh, you're gonna get it now, Southern Boy." Sure enough, Rosalie looked like she about to start smoking at the ears--or, more likely, shoot lightning out of her fingertips and fry Jasper to a Texas pancake.

"You're asking for it," she warned him quietly.

He folded his arms across his chest, planting his feet in the ground and lifting his chin. "Yeah. I am."

"YOU ASKED FOR IT, TEX!" she yelled at him.

"BRING IT ON, BARBIE!"

She snarled and jumped at him, and he toppled over. I covered my ears, trying to block out the resounding thunderous crash of their collision. They rolled around on the ground, both trying to get on top. At least, that's what I think they were doing; I'm not much of a fighter, so I really don't know.

Somewhere in the midst of shouted insults, (i.e. Jasper's "Why don't you ask your _manicurist _for help!" and Rosalie's "You lost! Get over it!", which, I'm pretty sure is referring to the Civil War--Newsflash Rose: _not helping), _Esme came in and broke 'em up with a good whack to the head of each of them with her shovel, which promptly broke.

"I put you in charge of a simple thing like gardening, and you blow up about _nails?!" _she was ranting. "I can't trust you kids with _anything _can I? That's _it!" _She beckoned imperiously to the house. "All of you, inside now. Time out! Two hours!"

There was an immediate outburst. "BUT I DIDN'T DO _ANYTHING_!" Edward protested.

"I'M JUST AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER!" Emmett shouted, then he reconsidered. He held up his index finger and said, "Okay, so I was a _mostly _innocent bystander..."

Alice appeared to be positively appalled. "I JUST _SAW _IT, I DIDN'T _DO _IT!"

Jasper and Rosalie were both pointing a each other, covered in dirt and grass, completely disheveled and livid. They were both shrieking, "HE," (or 'She', in Jasper's case), "STARTED IT!"

But Esme wasn't having any of it. Her face, looking like one of those heavy Forks rainclouds, eyes narrowed to slits, marched right over to them and grabbed Jasper by the left ear, and Rosalie by her right. As she dragged them to the house, Rosalie squealed and shrieked, making a big fuss about the whole thing. Jasper just swore, trying to hold his ear.

We all followed meekly behind her, trudging in the open front door. Carlisle was sitting cross-legged on the couch, reading the local paper. He put it down on our entrance, though, and raised his eyebrows at us.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" Esme threw them to the floor and loomed over them. They did the smart thing and stayed down, still seething.

"These two," she hissed; the room went deathly quiet. "These two were raising a fuss and making a mess over Rose's _nails._"

Carlisle shrugged, still not getting it; must be a guy thing. "So?"

Esme stared at him, disbelieving. "So? _SO_? I can't trust them with anything! They're so immature that they destroy everything! I have half a mind to...to..." Rosalie snorted and Jasper muttered something that I, with my lowly human hearing, could not hear. Esme looked at them, sucking in her breath, eyes widening. They cowed and dropped their eyes. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ALL GOING TO UTAH FOR THE WEEKEND!" The Cullens looked on in horror, including Carlisle.

"NO!" Rosalie wailed. "ANYTHING BUT UTAH!"

"I DEMAND TO BE GIVEN A FAIR TRIAL!" Jasper protested. "YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ ME MY RIGHTS! ACCORDING TO THE FIFTH AMENDMENT--"

"I AM YOUR _MOTHER!" _Esme shrieked at him, "I DON'T _NEED _TO READ YOU YOUR RIGHTS! NOW GET OUT OF HERE, BOTH OF YOU! IF YOU'RE GOOD, I MIGHT--_MIGHT--_RECONSIDER!" They scrambled away, tripping over each other to get out of Esme's ever-reaching line of fire. As two doors slammed upstairs, Esme sighed and sat down in the chair opposite Carlisle's couch.

Emmett, Edward, Alice, and I all stood in the open doorway, our eyes wide, stomachs sucked in, hardly daring to breathe.

"I don't know _what _to do with them," she said quietly. Carlisle looked on awkwardly, not quite knowing what to do that wouldn't make matters worse. "They're so...destructive!" she said.

"Yes dear," said Carlisle meekly.

She glared at him, pointing a finger at him, eyes narrowed dangerously. "They get it from _your _side."

Carlisle just nodded. "Um, Esme, honey?" we could tell he was trying to change the subject.

"Hmm?" She had her head in her hands and the response was muffled.

"Um, that Annual Doctors Retreat is scheduled for this weekend, from Friday to Sunday. The replacement doctors should be here Thursday."

Esme groaned and brought her head up, glaring at him. The Finger of Doom came up again. "If you come back like last time, you'll be in a lot worse shape than Jazzy and Rosie _should _be in. I will make you sorry you were ever turned. Got it, John Lennon?"

He just nodded meekly, embarrassed. _John Lennon? _I thought _my _family was weird. But then again, I guess this _was _sort of my family. _Weird._

* * *

Authors Note: So? Please review, 'kay? I mean, for toast's sake, I accept anonymous reviews! Please tell me what you think, okay? I might not update until I have 8 new reviews, got it?


	5. Hormones

Spring With the Cullens  
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. I WISH I owned Jasper, but there's life for you, eh?

Chapter Five: Hormones

"So...do you have a three?"

"Go fish. If I did, I'd give it to you right away though. You're really good at this Bella, don't worry--"

"Edward. Chill. It's Go Fish, for crying out loud!"

"Sorry."

I sighed heavily and counted to ten. Again.

"It's okay, Edward. Just go."

Edward and I asked, gave, and drew for the next five minutes, but, finally and inevitably, we called it quits. As I plopped down on the couch in front of their ginormous TV, Edward went to the DVD rack closest to him and glanced quickly at the titles.

"What do you feel like watching, Bella?"

I sighed again. "I have no idea. Why don't you pick this time?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Fine with me."

I twiddled my thumbs while he debated. "We could watch Hamlet. We have the Kenneth Branaugh version, the Mel Brooks version, the..."

It was very quiet in the Cullen House today. Alice and Rosalie would be back soon from their shopping spree in Seattle, Carlisle was on that doctor's retreat, and Esme was at the carpeting store. Jasper and Emmett had spilled a ton of blood on the living room carpet yesterday, so it needed to be replaced...

Where _were _Emmett and Jasper?

"Edward?"

"Hm?" He had his arms folded, chin in one of his hands and brow furrowed while he debated between the doubtlessly numerous versions of Hamlet that his family owned.

"Where are your brothers?" I asked casually, but he looked suspicious.

"I don't know. But I should...hang on a second." He closed his eyes to concentrate, but just then Alice and Rose burst through the front door, laughing hysterically and clutching what looked like dozens of shopping bags.

"What's so funny?" I asked, frowning.

"Ja--Jazz and--Emmett," Alice wheezed, holding up a finger for patience. Then doubled over, clutching to an equally hysteric Rosalie. I looked at Edward, but his eyes had gone wide.

"No--_way." _He said. Then a slow but huge grin split his face, which was delighted. "No freaking way!"

"Uh huh," gasped Alice, then she collapsed again.

"Hello?" I said, a little impatient. "Explanation for the human, please?"

But there was no need because just then, Jasper and Emmett stumbled in the door, leaning drunkenly on each other and giggling. Jasper hit his head on the door frame and giggled some more, "Hee hee, ouch, ha ha!"

"You're funny," snickered Emmett.

Jasper laughed, "I know," he said in a breathless voice.

"What happened to _you _guys?" I asked incredulously.

Emmett held up a finger and stumbled. He waited a minute, mouth open, somewhat somber. "Cows," he got out, then after a moment's delay, he and Jasper collapsed in giggles again.

"What about cows?" I asked slowly. I was going to have to use all of my forced patience for this one.

Jasper and Emmett were sitting back to back on the floor, and Jasper shook his head, shaking with silent laughter. Well, mostly silent, anyway. He wiped away imaginary tears with the heel of his hand. "We were in a hurry," he explained, trying not to giggle too much. "And we needed to hunt." he put drunken emphasis on 'hunt' and Emmett, who had regained some composure, started to laugh all over again. "So we grabbed some cows from the pasture down the way."

"Hee hee, they tasted funny," Emmett laughed.

I looked at them in horror, comprehension on my face. "THOSE COWS ARE INJECTED WITH HORMONES!" I yelled at them. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO _STUPID! _OKAY, SO MAYBE EMMETT, BUT JASPER!"

They stared at me for a moment, completely sober. Then they slowly met each others eyes, mouths hanging open. Then they collapsed in laughter again.

* * *

"THEY'RE acting like a bunch of teenage girls!" I fumed quietly to Alice as we washed the dishes from my lunch. "How could they be so _stupid!"_

Alice just shook her head. "How should I know? I only see the future, not people's brains, vampire or no."

They was a short silence while I scrubbed the skillet. "How're they doing?" I asked.

She sighed, her mirth expended. "Emmett's watering the petunias, and Jasper...I don't know what the heck Jasper's doing." She shook her head and closed her eyes, rubbing her temples. "If it's possible for vampires to get a migraine, I've got one."

Then we heard footsteps running down the stairs and Rosalie came to a halt, holding onto the door frame of the kitchen, a huge smile on her face.

"You guys have _got _to see this. It's Jasper!" She burst out laughing, holding her sides. Alice and I shared one glance then ran upstairs, right behind Rose. When we caught up with her, she was waiting outside the door to Jasper and Alice's room, the door closed. She had her hand on the handle and pressed a finger to her smiling lips. We nodded impatiently and made hurry-up gestures with our hands. I could hear a movie from the other side of the door. I noticed that she had grabbed a video camera and was turning it on.

She laughed silently and opened the door, slowly and quietly.

Our eyes widened and we both shared a wide grin. Rosalie was giggling silently behind her camera. Rosalie, the tallest, had her head in the door, with mine underneath, then Alice's. This. Was. _Hilarious_.

Jasper was sitting on the bed, surrounded by piles and piles of empty Kleenex. Tears streaked down his face--fake, I'm guessing--and he blew his nose loudly. Alice and I looked at the huge TV, and Rosalie followed our gaze with her camera.

"Gone With the Wind?" I mouthed silently to Alice, appalled. Rosalie got my face on camera. Alice nodded, her laughter barely subdued.

Jasper blew his nose again and we turned back to him. "It seems like only yesterday!" He sobbed dramatically. Then he sniffed long and loud, and pulled a clear bottle out of his back jeans pocket. He popped the top off of the saline--fake tears; I knew it!--and blinked up at the ceiling squirting in a stream of water. Then he went back to crying and howling at the movie.

This was too much. We girls ran out of the room, closing the door behind us. We streaked downstairs and then outside, where we promptly collapsed on the ground, overcome by hysterical laughter.

Rosalie closed the camera, still laughing. She ejected the tape and kissed it. "Blackmail," she said with relish. "Hello, beautiful."

* * *

Authors Note: Well? What do you think? REVIEW PLEASE! I want to know!


	6. Swift Stethoscope

Spring With the Cullens  
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I don't own the Cullens or anything else Meyer, got it?

Chapter Six: Swift Stethoscope

I heard the front door close quietly and looked up from my position on the couch, groggy-eyed. Alice had insisted on a "sleepover" since it was still Spring Break, and I had grudgingly given in. Arguing with Edward, you had a chance. Arguing with Alice was as pointless as trying to tell Emmett that hunting was stupid.

The top of my tousled head peered groggily over the edge of the couch to see Emmett, frantically whispering to Jasper. "...Carlisle finds out...make Dracula wish he was a Quaker...yeah, that's what I've been saying, you idiot!"

My eyebrows raised. _This _was interesting. Carlisle was still away on Doctor's Retreat, coming home today. I can't imagine him blowing up about anything. Then again, they had about sixty years more insight than I did, so go figure. _What are they hiding?_

Jasper placated Emmett eventually--in Cullen time, that's about thirty seconds, by the way--and shoved him out the front door, back outside. I saw them through the window, Jasper leading the way to the backyard. My brow furrowed in confusion. Again: _What are they hiding?_

* * *

"HERE HE COMES!" Alice came racing through the front door and into the kitchen, where I was sitting on the counter, talking to Edward. I just stared blankly at her.

"Whaaa?"

"Carlisle!" she shrieked, almost collapsing from stifled laughter. Edwards eyes widened and a grin broke out over his face. He started laughing and had to lean on his knees for support.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, it's hilarious!" she squealed.

"When?"

"'Bout seven minutes."

"Oh gosh. This'll be good."

"Yeah," Alice said, giddy. I was watching this like a tennis match. "Is Esme home?"

"Upstairs."

"Let's go get her!"

"Absolutely!"

There was more laughter and Edward and Alice streaked upstairs, leaving me behind, my hair ruffling in the breeze left by their exit.

"O-Kaaay."

Then Jasper and Emmett walked in again, casually, but they seemed...I don't know; _guilty_, I guess. "Hey Bella," said Emmett, "'sup?"

"Hay is for horses," Jasper said in a taunting tone. "Hello Bella, how are you today?"

"I could take off the 'o' in 'Hello' and give you a few example of what--" Emmett was cut off when I said,

"I'm fine. How are you guys doing? Excited for Carlisle to come home?" I guaged their reactions, and, sure enough, they got a little stiff and exchanged a vampire-quick glance.

"Yes," said Jasper cooly, "I'm quite excited for Carlisle to come home. He gets home...Monday, am I right?" That was three days from now. _Enough time to hide some kind of EVIDENCE, right? RIGHT?_

"No," I said, matching his tone. "He comes home in about five minutes."

"HOLY S--" Jasper covered Emmett's mouth hastily and backed away slowly, looking nervous.

"Really? H-how do you know this?"

"Alice," I said, trying to hide my glee that I was onto something. "He'll be here any minute."

"Interesting," said Jasper curtly. I swear, if he was human, he'd be sweating a lake. Or, as Jasper himself sometimes says, 'sweating the Potomac.'

Then he said slowly, "I will...see you later, Bella." Then he bolted out of therelike--as Emmett says--'a raccoon caught in the kitchen trash can', dragging his cohort behind him. I could hear their muffled voices from outside, saying, 'quick, Emmett! Get all of it! ALL of it! HURRY UP YOU STUPID HILLBILLY!" and Emmett replying, "ALL RIGHT ALREADY! GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, _MAJOR_!"

Again, "O-kaay."

Then Edward and Alice were dragging Esme--respectfully, mind you, you whippersnappers--outside. Just as Carlisle came up the drive.

My jaw dropped.

Alice collapsed on her back laughing, her legs up in the air. Edward wasn't much better, leaning heavily against the door frame and clutching his sides; he slid down the frame to sit next to Alice.

Esme's eyes narrowed. _Ohhhh boy. Here it comes._

"Thanks for the ride, Steady Scalpel!" yelled Carlisle, waving to a man in a hippie van.

"Peace out, Swift Stethoscope!"

And then Carlisle was walking up the drive, dressed in--I kid you not--_tie dyed scrubs, _bead necklaces, brown flip-flop sandals, HUGE sunglasses, and a guitar on his back. Jasper and Emmett walked up behind us, jogging to a stop.

"Holy General Lee!" Breathed Jasper, letting out a startled laugh.

Emmett just stared.

Carlisle came to a stop in front of the crowded porch, smiling benignly, unaware of the invisible steam coming out of Esme's eyes.

"Hi, I'm home," he said cheerfully. Then he gave us a peace sign and nodded happily, smiling hugely. Alice and Edward--who had calmed enough to _breathe _and had helped each other up--promptly collapsed into laughter again, rolling around on the porch.

His smiled faded just a bit. Esme glared at him. "Swift Stethoscope?"

He looked relieved. "Yeah; it's my Indian name. We all have 'em; it heightens our sense of brotherhood and spiritual binding." Esme was not amused; she was about the only one. Carlisle misread the expression. "Do you want one too?"

"No."

"Oh...okay."

There was an awkward moment, and then Carlisle said, "Well, I'll be meditating if anyone needs me," and then he skedaddled out of there, like the smart PhD that he is.

"What was _that _all about?" Rosalie asked. I jumped and wirled around. Rosalie had come out of her garage--for once--just in time for the end of the performance.

"No clue," I exhaled. "Something about tie dyed scrubs, meditating, and Indian names."

"Ah," she said sagely, nodding. "Doc Retreat. It happens," she said wisely. "Every year, it happens."

"You're kidding?!"

"Nope." she gave me a weird look. "Why do you think we move around so much?"

"Aum," we looked around as we saw Alice immitating Carlisle in meditation.

"DON'T EVEN _THINK _ABOUT IT ALICE CULLEN!" Yelled Esme. "ONE HIPPIE IS BAD ENOUGH!"

"Let's get out of here," said Rosalie.

"Yeah." I said before she even finished speaking. She grabbed my sleeve and we ran for the safety of her garage before Esme could get a chance to break out the broom."

* * *

Authors Note: Okay, I won't be updating 'til June, so I LEFT A NOTE AT THE TOP OF MY BIO. PLEASE SEE IT (5/9/08: UPDATE)


	7. Blood Bank

Spring With the Cullens  
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I do NOT own the Cullens--or Bella--and I don't own Forks. Though I _have _been there and probably know more about La Push than SM does. So _there._

Chapter Seven: Blood Bank

"...so then, of course, I had to get a whole new CDR valve for the engine shipped in from a friend of mine down in Daytona Beach so I could fix Edward's stupid Aston Martin. So then, of course, he just _had _to race Alice--who _won _and Edward overheated his engine, so I had to fix it all over again!" Rosalie was trying to sound outraged, but I could tell that she was really pleased with the way Edward had to ask her for help. Nothing like getting an older brother to admit defeat. Well, that's what she _says, _anyway; I wouldn't actually know, being an only child.

"Three-quarter wrench, please." I shuffled around in Rosalie's toolbox, pulling out a shiny wrench (minus the black oil spots from a few minutes ago when she gave her M3 an oil change, that is). "Thank _you._" She went back to work and we elapsed into comfortable silence. I'd gotten really far with Rosalie over Spring Break, and I was actually starting to enjoy her company. Well, besides all the technical terms like 'CDR Valve' and 'High Pressure Fuel Injection Lines.' If she wasn't a vampire with a photographic memory, I might ask myself: _How the heck does she remember all of this crap?! Oh. Yeah. Vampire. I forgot._

"So why doesn't he fix his own engine?" I asked, leaning back on my hands.

"Well," she said, wiping her oily hands on a rag. "Of all the things that Edward _is, _a mechanic he is not."

_Well said, Yoda. _"So why do you keep fixing it for him if he just keeps busting it?" I was kind of confused.

She paused. "Well, 'cause he's my brother, I _guess._"

"Maybe you should charge him," I suggested. "You're the one who has to keep buying the parts, right?"

"You're right," she said, surprised. "I'm being way too nice. Thanks Bella!" she went back to working.

"You know--" I broke off and frowned. Rosalie looked up from her work; she heard it too.

"...I don't care if it _was _Jasper's idea, Emmett. You should know better than that!"

"But Carlisle! What about Edward, he did it too!"

Rosalie and I exchanged a look with raised eyebrows. I jumped up and walked over to Rose and gave her a hand getting up. We ran to the house, Rosalie still wiping her hands on her rag. We stopped around the corner of the house, where, around back, the boys were getting chewed out by Esme and Carlisle for something. Edward looked about ready to cry. Rosalie and I exchanged a confused look. _What the heck?_

"Give me _one _good reason why I shouldn't ship you all off to Tanya for a month!" fumed Esme, pointing a finger at Emmett, who flinched. Smartly, they remained silent.

"Whoa, Esme," soothed Carlisle, putting up his hands in a 'whoa Nellie!' gesture. "Karma."

"Don't even _talk _to me about karma!" she fumed angrily. "I have half a mind to ship you off to rehab!"

"What'd they do?" I hissed to Rosalie. She shrugged, looking amused.

"Beats me." We scooted just a little bit closer.

"I can't believe you boys would do--" Esme stopped mid-rat. "Okay, let's be realistic here. I _can _believe it, because you boys are the most thick-skulled, dimwitted vampires I have ever raised."

"I'm sort of surprised that _you _would do this, Edward," said Carlisle. "I mean, Jasper, okay. Emmett, no surprises there. But if you weren't such a pushover, I wouldn't have believed it. At least we caught you before you could _really _do it." I was pretty frustrated at this point. _What _were they doing?!

Esme pulled up a gigantic duffel bag and hauled it over her shoulder. Rosalie sniffed the air and her eyes widened. "They didn't," she said. "_Idiots." _

"What?" I hissed.

"Blood," she groaned. "They are _so _busted. Which means _I'll _be so busted because I 'didn't know anything about it.' That's it. Edward owes me for seven engine jobs after this."

"You guys drink blood anyway," I said. "What's the big deal if they took some to go?"

She grimaced. "Because it's _human _blood. I bet Jasper and Emmett stole it out of the freezer in the hospital. _Again._"

My jaw dropped. "_What?_ They were getting blood out of the hospital?!"

She nodded. "Yeah, it's the stuff that expires and they throw out. Looks like Stupid One and Stupid Two have been 'volunteering' to take it out to the dumpster or whatever."

"I'm going to throw all of this out, and you will _never--_"

"ESME, NO!" Screamed Jasper and Emmett. "Do you know how long it took?" yelled Jasper.

"It was all Jasper's idea!" screamed Emmett.

"Esme," said Carlisle suddenly. "They're right."

Everyone stared. "_What?_" she said in a dangerous voice.

Carlisle smiled evilly. "Well, after all that work, don't you think they ought to enjoy it?" Esme paused, and she smiled. It wasn't a very nice smile. "I think we should let them drink _all _of it. Today."

"I think you're right," Esme said reasonably. "They should go into the kitchen with these," she threw the bag at Emmett who caught it with a grunt. "And _drain them dry. _Every drop."

The boys looked horrified. "You too, Edward." said Esme sternly. "I want you to learn a lesson. _All of you._" Rosalie was practically _vibrating _with evil glee. I didn't have to be Alice to know that her camera would be out and filming in a matter of minutes.

"Esme!" yelled Jasper. "Really; you don't want us to develop bad habits. You're right. We'll just go and throw it all away," he sneakily took the bag from Emmett and swung it over his shoulder, "and just forget it ever happened."

"Nice try, Bozo." said Esme, crossing her arms, not amused. "If it makes you sick the rest of the year, you're going to drain each and every one of those blood bags. _Now._"

"I think I just became vegetarian again," squeaked Edward.

Emmett gulped and nodded, his eyes wide. "I've seen the light," he said weakly. "And it doesn't like me."

* * *

Authors Note: Okay. Just the epilogue to go, and then I'll start work on _Summer With the Cullens, _'kay?


	8. Spring Break

Spring With the Cullens  
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, the Cullens, Hales, or Swans. I don't own the Confederates, hippies, moms, raccoons, malls, or CDR valves. Nor do I own Number 2 pencils, but what that has to do with Twilight I honestly don't know.

Chapter Eight: Spring Break

I gazed out of the window, happily seated on the Cullen's living room couch. Well, one of them anyway. Rose, Alice, and I had turned it towards the window, just to get some fresh air, I guess. Rosalie sat on my left, Alice on my right; we all sat there doing and saying nothing. I suppose that's just the usual way for Spring Break to end.

Mind, it'd been a pretty good break. Between the whole cannon thing, and the hippie incident. And the hormones thing--don't even get me started! I was still surprised that the boys were dumb enough to actually think that Esme wouldn't find out about their little 'blood bank'.

Jeez. The boys were still sick even now. Just a few minutes ago, Edward and Emmett had come through clutching their stomachs and moaning, heading for the stairs. Alice had turned her head over the back of the couch to see what all the fuss was about.

"Are you _kidding me?_" Emmett had asked. "You try sucking eleven bags of O Positive in less than an hour and see how _you _feel."

"Especially after being vegetarian for fifty-odd years," choked out Edward, looking pretty green. Well, figure of speech.

The three of us had just raised our eyebrows and turned away to look back out the window, resting our feet on the coffee table in front of us, where Rose and Alice had hot mugs of rabbit blood. I preferred cocoa.

"Where are you guys headed?" asked Rosalie.

"Jasper's room," groaned Emmett. "He's up there watching _Gods and Generals_."

"It's almost over," added Edward weakly, "but he's gonna put in _Gettysburg_ in a minute."

"Sure it's not _Gone With the Wind?_" Alice said quietly and sarcastically.

"No he's not," we heard Emmett say quietly, already heading upstairs. "I thought we'd agreed we were going to watch _Oklahoma_!"

I raised my eyebrows even higher and turned my head slightly. Alice covered her mouth to hide her grin; I could feel Rosalie shaking with silent laughter.

"Oh, and Edward?" called Rosalie up the stairs. I heard the footsteps pause. "You're paying for your own engine parts from now on." Edward groaned and I heard Jasper's door slam.

_Nice job, Rosalie, _I thought approvingly. _Maybe now my boyfriend will have a bit of a backbone. Not likely, but hey, a girl can dream.  
_

A few minutes later, Esme had come by in her blue and white checkered apron, carrying her wooden spoon. "Where are those boys?" she demanded. "I _told _them they weren't finished until I _said _they were finished."

"With what?" Rosalie asked, cocking her head.

"Oh, they were supposed to plant the new currant bushes. I have to have _some _cover for my canning this summer."

I glanced questioningly at Alice, who mouthed _she cans blood._

_Oh, _I mouthed back, turning away. Well _that _made sense.

Esme had run off, fretting about finding decent cow blood what with all the mad cow disease and hormones and what-not. Well, we had certainly seen a nice little show of the hormones, and I wasn't too anxious to see a demonstration of mad cow.

"Well," said Rosalie, bringing me back to the present. "This has certainly been an entertaining Spring Break."

"Yes it has," I agreed, not taking my eyes from the view of the Cullen's cherry blossom trees. "_Very _interesting indeed."

"Oh, next year will be even better," said Alice promisingly. Rose and I glanced suspiciously at her.

"Define 'interesting'." I said cautiously. Alice wiggled her eyebrows.

"That's for me to know, and you to lose sleep over." she glanced at Rosalie. "Or...lack thereof."

"What's gonna happen?!" we badgered her.

She wiggled her eyebrows and tapped the side of her nose. "Mums the word."

Rosalie and I exchanged a glance and a nod; we turned to pick up pillows, raising them to strike--but that stupid little psychic was already squealing and running off.

"Get her," we said.

"Dead or undead," Rosalie muttered. We ran off and tried--in vain, mind you--to bring Alice in to await trial...until we could think of a trial, anyway. Boy, if this was a good Spring Break, I couldn't _wait _for next year. _I'll need more pillows though..._

* * *

Authors Note: Well? How did you like it?! Sorry it's so short, but _Summer With the Cullens _will be up soon, and then we'll get to see what Esme's _really _canning! Review, Comment, ask me your questions, give me your criticism and/or advice, and I hope to see you all in _Summer With the Cullens!_


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